Bushtemberfest!

Why so glum, chum? It’s Bushtemberfest!

Last year, during the launch of this all-American holiday, we laid down the parameters thusly:

Bushtemberfest, or the Festival of Fatal Fuckups, will give GOP-weary Americans a chance to celebrate the non-accomplishments of George W. Bush, the first president to let one major American city be devastated by terrorists and allow another one to drown, all within the space of a few years. The observance will start with the anniversary of the flooding of New Orleans and climax with the anniversary of the destruction of the World Trade Center, during which time we will pray — loudly and publicly — that no other disasters befall us while we await the blessed day that King George and his menagerie of religious hucksters, corporate bandits and ideological grifters get their eviction notice.

How shall we observe this new holiday, this Bushtemberfest? Shall we drown kittens in the bathtub while chanting, “Heckuva job, Brownie”? Shall we say, when a breathless Good Samaritan runs up to tell us that a building is on fire, “Okay, go home, you’ve covered your ass”? Shall we pull milk bottles and lollipops out of the hands of children and give them to obese adults? Shall we march into schools and confiscate globes because they depict the Earth as round? (When teachers object that the Earth is not, in fact, flat, we’ll say “Teach the controversy! Give both sides of the debate!”)

Though we have not yet — not yet — lost another American city, there are plenty of non-achievements to celebrate the impact of conservative thinking on American life. We can salute conservative contributions to family values by going to restrooms and groping men in the stalls, or scoring drugs to share with gay escorts as we conduct — how did Ted Haggard put it? — research into the nature of the devil’s blandishments. We can hire Ted Nugent to explain how left-wingers are guilty of incivility and hate speech. We can flock to the scene of the next bridge collapse and chant: “Government doesn’t work! Time for another tax cut!” We can attend the funerals of the victims of gang violence in the inner cities and tell the mourners, “An armed society is a polite society!”

Best of all, this year’s celebration can be even bigger, thanks to the Democratic record of rolling over for Bush on expanded government surveillance powers!

Please share your own observances with us here in the comment section.