POLITICALLY INCORRECT 1. Bigoted, stupid and/or unfunny (cf, Miller, Dennis). 2. Consumer warning that contents of entitled book will be discredited tripe for lazy thinkers and career racists: The Politically Incorrect Guide to American History, The Politically Incorrect Guide to Darwin and Intelligent Design, etc.

TERROR ALERT 1. Sign that George W. Bush’s poll numbers need to be boosted.

WAR ON TERROR 1. Life insurance policy for Osama bin Laden. 2. Resume-fluffer for members of the Bush administration. 3. Global pork-barrel spending initiative that might actually catch a terrorist once in a while, if only by accident.

“AL GORE” 1. Mythical creature that claims to have invented Internet, is too fat, needed wardrobe advice from Naomi Wolf and is just too gosh-darned smart for his own cotton-pickin’ good. 2. Monster whose face is frequently seen on dimwitted conservative blogs, photoshopped onto the body of Godzilla. 3. Demonic assistant to BILL CLINTON whose attempt to take control of the White House was undermined by “Clinton fatigue” and defeated by the Hand of God, working through the U.S. Supreme Court, which used divine inspiration to cook up a decision that it was careful to say could never be applied to another case. (Careful readers will distinguish “Al Gore” from the actual Al Gore.)

ACTIVIST JUDGE 1. Any jurist, past or present, connected to a ruling inconvenient or displeasing to conservatives, or that may hamper the exercise of a current policy fad beloved of aforementioned conservatives.

CONSTITUTION 1. Ancient document that outwardly appears to prescribe separation of church and state, freedom of speech and numerous other rights to American citizens, but is actually loaded with secret coded messages endorsing unlimited power in the hands of the president, intrusion into daily life of religious views held by a narrow coalition of Christianist splinter sects, random arrests and secret detention of people with unacceptable skin hues and religious inclinations, and close monitoring of all American citizens by politically motivated Bush administration stooges. Said coded messages are apparent only to an elite cadre of conservative legal scholars trained in telepathy and Vulcan mind-melding over great distances and stretches of time (see STRICT CONSTRUCTIONISTS).

To be continued . . . 

CONSPIRACY THEORY 1. Any developing news story that reflects badly on the presidency of George W. Bush.

PARTISAN ATTACK 1. Any statement by a politician or civilian that references facts that reflect badly on the presidency of George W. Bush.

MOONBAT 1. Any civilian who refers to facts that reflect badly on the presidency of George W. Bush.

LIBERAL MEDIA 1. News outlets that report facts unflattering to the presidency of George W. Bush.

To be continued . . .

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.