The Opinion Mill

Now only an expert can deal with a problem.
Cos half of the problem is seeing the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.
Only an expert can deal with the problem.

So if there’s no expert dealing with a problem,
then really it’s actually twice the problem.
Cos only an expert can deal with the problem.
Only an expert can deal with the problem.

Now in America, we like solutions. We like solutions to problems. And there’s so many companies that offer solutions. Companies with names like: The Pet Solution, The Hair Solution, The Debt Solution, The World Solution, The Sushi Solution.

The debt solution… Now, only an expert can see there’s a problem.
And these companies are experts ready to solve these problems.
Cos only an expert can deal with the problem.
Only an expert can deal with the problem.

Now, let’s say you’re invited to be on Oprah, and you don’t have a problem, but you wanna go on the show, and so you need a problem. And so you invent a problem. But if you’re not an expert in problems, you’re probably not going to make up a very plausible problem. And so you’re probably gonna get nailed. You’re gonna get exposed, you’re gonna have to bow down and apologise and beg for the public’s forgiveness. Because only an expert can see there’s a problem. And only an expert can deal with a problem. Only an expert can deal with a problem.

And on these shows that try to solve your problems, the big question’s always: how can I get control. How can I take control. But, don’t forget, this is a question for the regular viewer, the person who is barely getting by. The person who is watching shows about people with problems, the person who is one of the 60 percent of the US population 1.3 weeks away, 1.3 paychecks away from homelessness. In other words… a person with problems.

So when experts say let’s get to the root of the problem, let’s take control of the problem, cos if you take control of the problem, you can solve the problem. Often this doesn’t work at all because the situation is completely out of control.

Cos only an expert can deal with the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.

So, who are these experts? Now, experts are usually self-appointed people or elected officials or people skilled in sales techniques, trained or self-taught to focus on things that might be identified as problems. But the expert is someone who studies the problem and tries to solve the problem. The expert is someone who carries malpractice insurance. Because often the solution becomes… the problem.

And only an expert can deal with the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.
Only an expert can deal with the problem.

Now sometimes experts look for weapons. And sometimes experts look everywhere for weapons. And sometimes when they don’t find any weapons, sometimes other experts say: if you haven’t found any weapons, it doesn’t mean there are no weapons. And other experts looking for weapons find things like cleaning fluids and refrigerator rods and small magnets. And they say: these may look like common objects to you, but in our opinion, they could be weapons. Or they could be used to make weapons. Or they could be used to ship weapons. Or to store weapons. Cos only an expert can see they might be weapons. And only an expert can deal with weapons. And only an expert can deal with problems.

Cos only an expert can deal with the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.
Only an expert can deal with the problem.

You know, and sometimes, if it’s really really really really really hot, and it’s July in January, and there’s no more snow, and huge waves are wiping out cities, and hurricanes are everywhere, and everyone knows it’s a problem. But if some of the experts say it’s no problem, and if other experts claim it’s no problem or explain why it’s no problem, then it’s simply not a problem.

But, when an expert says it’s a problem and makes a movie about the problem and wins an Oscar about the problem then all the other experts have to agree that it is, most likely, a problem.

Cos only an expert can deal with the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.
Only an expert can deal with the problem.

And even though a country can invade another country, and flatten it, and ruin it, and create havoc and civil war and refugees in that country, and if the experts say it’s not a problem and if everyone agrees that they’re experts and good at solving problems, then invading these countries is simply — not — a problem.

And if a country tortures people, and holds citizens without cause or trial, and sets up military tribunals, this is also not a problem. Unless there’s an expert who says it is the beginning… of a problem.

Cos only an expert can deal with the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.

And only an expert can deal with the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.
Only an expert can deal with the problem.

Cos seeing the problem is half the problem.
And only an expert can deal with the problem.
Only an expert can deal with the problem.

Robert Novak, who has been known not to lie on occasion, delivers a revelation about Hillary Clinton so amazing it could only be printed in parentheses:

(In private conversations, Clinton has expressed the view that Obama’s emphasis on Iraq — her Senate vote for it, his against it — defeated her.)

Leapin’ lizards! guess that’s why they call him a news columnist, eh?

As I’ve said before, I preferred the days when the big-time Rutgers University football program was providing fodder for jokes on The Sopranos. It’s not that I have a special animus against football, but because the Scarlet Knights managed to become slightly less of an embarrassment after decades of floundering, too many people are ready to overlook the Enron-level accounting and origami-style logical twists needed to make this pigskin-lined money sink look like a real asset to the university and the state.

This Star-Ledger cartoon puts it nicely, but if you need some more information, check out the Rutgers 1000 site, which highlights the steadily mounting expense of the planned expansion of the Robert E. Mulcahy Ego Emporium and Fiscal Fiasco Forum Rutgers Football Stadium in Piscataway. In the past I’ve thought that the image of the Big Time Football Program should not be a knight but Mister Magoo, all nearsightedness and blissful ignorance as he staggers down George Street in his racoon-skin coat.

Nowadays, I’m more inclined to think the program’s mascot should be Count Dracula, dribbling red ink as he sucks away more and more resources from a university that needs to remember its responsibilities as an educational institution, not a welfare program for gridiron groupies.

The childlike inanity of Bruce Bartlett’s column in today’s WSJ, “The GOP Is the Party of Civil Rights,” really is astonishing, and only goes to emphasize that in today’s wingnut-rich media environment, there is literally nothing too ridiculous or offensive to go unpublished as long as it goes out with a conservative marketing tag.

Bartlett’s burble — please don’t call it an “argument” — has it that the Republicans are the true paladins of civil rights. Considering that the halls of wingerdom are still echoing with tributes to the late Jesse Helms, as disgusting a racist as ever slithered through the corridors of power, that’s pretty rich. As one might expect, Bartlett has to reach pretty far back into the historical record to back up this claim.

Lyndon Johnson consistently opposed civil-rights legislation while he was in Congress, but as president worked hard to pass the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Neither would have passed without the strong support of congressional Republicans, who provided the margin of victory.

Richard Nixon is said to have developed a “Southern strategy” of using racial code words like “law and order” to gain votes in the South. Yet he did more to desegregate southern schools than any president in history. Nixon also created affirmative action to help break the power of racist labor unions, and minority set-asides for government contracts to aid black entrepreneurs.

Bartlett is amusing to watch as he trips over the facts he’s trying to spin, such as when he has to admit that Harry Truman “deserves great credit” for desegregating the civil service and the military. But really, let’s just cut to the chase. The era of Civil Rights legislation prompted the exodus of the Democractic Party’s “Dixiecrat” racist faction first to independent movements like the States’ Rights Party, and then the GOP. Strom Thurmond left the Democrats to become a Republican because of his support for Barry Goldwater in 1964. Helms switched to the GOP in 1970. Nixon’s “Southern Strategy” of coded appeals to racism has been quite effective. Not only does Bartlett skip past the Dixiecrat element, he neglects to mention that the affirmative action programs and minority set-asides begun by the Nixon administration arouse nothhing but loathing among contemporary Republicans and conservatives.

And to think that a respectable publishing house, Palgrave Macmillan, just laid out good coin for the chance to publish a book-length version of Barlett’s intellectual finger-painting. Will it toddle up the bestseller list to join other loaded diapers like Liberal Fascism? I’m not sure, but this much I know: the intellectual decay of conservatism is getting nastier by the week.   

That New Yorker cover showing Obama and his wife dressed as terrorists and bumping fists in the Oval Office is lame and stupid. It doesn’t work as satire because its ostensible target — dumb rumors about Obama being a Muslim terrorist in disguise — isn’t even grazed, much less hit. It doesn’t work as humor because when professional dickwads like Sean Hannity and the wingnut aviary are either implying that Obama is a closet terrorist or saying it outright, depicting him as such isn’t a joke.

If the cover had shown as this image a nightmare plaguing Joe Lieberman’s sleep, it would have had a shot at being fun. As presented, it’s simply the furthering of a vile lie that’s already had too much time in the air. And it’s about as funny as a case of kidney stones.

I like The New Yorker, but let’s bear in mind that before Seymour Hersh came aboard, it was yet another platform for Iraq warwhores.

Every now and then, the New Jersey legislature goes through a spasm of debate about the best candidate for the official state song of the Garden State. (There’s an unofficial state song, and anyone who likes it is welcome to it.) Inevitably, someone suggests “Born to Run,” and just as inevitably somebody points out that the song is about getting out as fast as possible, and the some conservative blowhard inevitably crows that that makes the song perfect because high taxes and liberal policies are chasing people out of the state, and then inevitably the howler monkeys at WingOWingPointJive start flinging scats and inevitably the whole thing gets very, very tedious.

Having just returned from a beautiful weekend on New Jersey’s beautiful shoreline, I have realized that the state song of New Jersey need be only one line long: “Have you got your beach tag?”

You don’t need a Bruce Springsteen to sing it, either. Just summon up your best impression of Grandpa Simpson, or Charles Montgomery Burns from The Simpsons, and croak it with self-righteous satisfaction. It’s most effective peformed a capella, but for those who insist on musical accompaniment, I suggest something along the lines of Devo’s version of “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,” or the clattering Flying Lizards cover of “Money.” I picture a video with platoons of wizened Beach Nazis scrambling across dunes and trampling sandcastles in their determination to make certain that every sunburned back is counterpointed by a wristband or a tag attached to the swimming trunks. If anyone tries to launch an invasion of the United States from the sea, he’d better not try it along the Jersey Shore, or the invading armada will be stopped at the surf line by some turkey in wrap-around GeezerGuard sunglasses, demanding to see beach tags.

This recent story makes it clear how much hocus pocus and fiscal legerdemain lies behind the claims of shore communities that they have to charge for beach use in order to maintain the beaches. Under these circumstances, the idea of a statewide or regional beach pass sounds fine to me. And if the sandwingers of Monmouth, Ocean and Cape May counties whine because it takes away some of th gravy they wring from New Jerseyans who have already paid for beach replenishment and other servies through their taxes, so much the better. 

So if there muts be beach passes, the idea of instituting a statewide beach pass program

The summer has hardly begun, but it’s never too soon to prepare for Bushtemberfest — with this administration’s overachieving approach to underachievement, every week brings a fresh outrage, a new calamity, a still more nauseating display of contempt for everything that is good and valuable about America. That makes it hard to keep track of all the events to commeorate in our annual Festival of Fatal Fuckups.

So, hats off to Brad Reed for providing a handy rundown of “The 10 Most Awesomely Bad Moments of the Bush Presidency,” which Reed freely admits is far too short and far too arbitrary. Don’t read ‘em and weep — read ‘em and vote.

And remember — even as we spend the weekend celebrating our country, we will bear in mind how much of value has been trashed by this cabal offlakes and thieves, and how much more damage remains within their scope in the months remaining to Bush.  

Madame Marie, the Asbury Park fortune teller referenced in the Bruce Springsteen song “4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy),” died last week.  

Check out Madame Marie in this ’80s vintage tour of the boardwalk: