The Brimstone Tears of Don Larsen

April 30, 2007

The things you hear when you don’t have a strait-jacket or a butterfly net close at hand:

Utah County Republicans ended their convention on Saturday by debating Satan’s influence on illegal immigrants.

The group was unable to take official action because not enough members stuck around long enough to vote, despite the pleadings of party officials. The convention was held at Canyon View Junior High School.Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, had submitted a resolution warning that Satan’s minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants “hate American people” and “are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won’t do.”

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to “destroy Christian America” and replace it with “a godless new world order — and that is not extremism, that is fact,” Larsen said.

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. “by self invasion.”

Suck in that gut and straighten up, Larsen. God doesn’t like his soldiers to be crybabies.

I’d love to be able to report that at this point, Larsen was given a cup of hot cocoa with Thorazine and sent off to bed in his Crusader Cammie pajamas, leaving the floor open for remarks by rational people. Well . . . looks like the rational people all caught the first plane to Vegas:

Republican officials then allowed speakers to defend and refute the resolution. One speaker, who was identified as “Joe,” said illegal immigrants were Marxist and under the influence of the devil. Another, who declined to give her name to the Daily Herald, said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because “they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. … If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do.”

The mind reels at this apocalyptic vision. Hordes of brimstone-reeking immigrants crossing the Rio Grande, flying upside-down flags and refusing to register as Republicans — at least, that is, until they gain citizenship.

Larsen brought the proceedings to a close with another inspirational speech:

“If the Democrats take over the country, we will be dead, and we will have abortion and partial-birth abortion and the Republican Party will go into extinction,” he said. “Nancy Pelosi and the ACLU would oppose this (resolution).”

A member of the audience moved that the convention suspend its rules to allow the “objectionable part” of Larsen’s resolution to be stricken, retaining only the final paragraphs of the resolution, which condemn illegal immigration. Eventually party officials counted all delegates in attendance, only to discover that, with 299, they were about 30 short of a quorum and could take no action.

“I did ask people to stay so we could have this discussion,” said Senator Curt Bramble, R-Provo, who chaired the convention. Bramble had earlier asked those gathered not to thwart a discussion on the resolution, saying it would be “good for the party.”

In other business, those gathered voted against removing some of the party’s leadership.

Now that’s a vote even I can get behind! I wouldn’t want to see a single member of this party’s leadership step out of the spotlight. Not a one. 

In less enlightened times, London swells would pay admission to wander around Bedlam in search of low-down entertainment from the asylum inmates.

Nowadays, those same swells would be sure to get front-row seats at GOP party functions. 

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6 Responses to “The Brimstone Tears of Don Larsen”

  1. HumboldtBlue Says:

    Well, I must admit, Satan is my friend. You see, I live in California, and even here, in the great green wilds of the north woods, the Dark One wields considerable influence.

    I’ll let you in on a little secret: Nancy Pelosi IS the Devil. You heard me right. Who but Ol’ Scratch would have the nerve to take on the Sainted Knights and Knightettes of the Bush administration but a woman! A mother! A grandmother!

    Who would suspect that a good Italian grandma, full of cheek-pulling-cookie-baking-tsk-tsking love was actually the Dark Lord of the underworld (if that’s the name of anyone’s band, I apologize).

    I mean, South Philly is chock full of such ladies, dressed as they are in their all-black Satan-worshiping grief garments, dutifully trotting off the Mass (a known hangout for the ruler of evil) each morning and giving voice and incantation to the master of destruction, the bringer of boils, plagues and trans-fats.

    Who but a conniving, apple-wielding hater of Jesus and the good Pastors of the flock could insinuate their way into the hearts and minds of good, solid, Christian America and wield such havoc?

    A woman (AKA Satan), that’s who.

    And I bet when Satan takes his female form he only gets 88-percent of the Satanic spoils, all the while pushing drugs on our kids (unless it’s a school psychologist and two Doctors on big pharma payrolls), allowing the unwashed, funny-talking, dark-haired, dark-eyed minions of evil to race unobstructed into our nation to do their dastardly lettuce-picking, strawberry harvesting, lawn-cutting worst.

    Sadly, the Bee state folks have it exactly correct. Let Democrats take over and watch as middle class families get back more of their money. Watch as poor children are afforded a hot breakfast and lunch. Watch as oversight regarding the actions of our Dear elected leaders becomes an actuality. We can only weep, and fear, and build our shelters deeper under ground and await the coming of the Lord, or a return of the Bangles, which ever comes first.

    I pray for us all, in the name of Nancy Pe … err … Jesus Christ, Amen.

  2. Satan Says:

    Ha ha ha thanks for the laugh on income tax day (in Canada).

    Illegal aliens are in charge of the media?

    How did they get this control? They can’t speak English, remember? They aren’t green-carders or citizens, remember?

    You’re right, these guys are priceless, they must never, ever stop.

  3. geoff Says:

    I remember a Star Trek episode from my childhood. The plot? Something about an alternate universe where a post-apocalyptic human society considered the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution holy, but nobody knew what the documents actually said. Bill Shatner should go to Utah County, phasers on stun.

  4. Bill Bowman Says:

    I want to know what that guy means by “self-invasion.” Sounds kinky. Perhaps he’s on the phone list of that (alleged) D.C. madam …

  5. Steven Hart Says:

    I think when he says “self-invasion,” he’s just interpreting what Dick Cheney meant by “Go fuck yourself.”


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