Rev. Criswell Speaks!

January 9, 2008

Pat Robertson, aka The Amazing Criswell, has some inside dope on what we can expect to see in 2008, relayed to him personally by the big guy in the sky, who’s always ready to take time off from his busy schedule of making hurricanes and hunchbacked babies to drop a few tips Robertson’s way:

Aside from a recession this year, Robertson suggested Wednesday that Americans will be paying much more for gas at the pump as the price of a barrel of oil rises by 50 percent in the coming months.

Specifically, he said oil would reach $150 a barrel – the price hit $100 on Wednesday – with the dollar continuing to lose value in 2008.

“I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there’s going to be a major stock market crash,” said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical leader.

By 2009 or “maybe 2010”? Dude, can’t God be a little more exact about the timing of his own catastrophes?

Of course, many of you heathens and lesbian pagan baby killers will no doubt point out that Rev. Criswell predicted a nuclear terrorist strike in the U.S. as well as major terrorist attacks in unnamed U.S. cities, yet nothing of the sort happened. Hah! Rev. Criswell has anticipated your trifling snark and is ready to strike back with irrefutable, divinely inspired logic:

All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us,” Robertson said on “The 700 Club,” a television show he hosts on the Christian Broadcasting Network, based in Virginia Beach.

“So did I miss it? Possibly,” he said of his unrealized prediction. “Or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn’t happen, so I think we can all rejoice.”

On Wednesday, Robertson, 77, implied that God informed him who will be elected president in November.

“He told me some things about the election, but I’m not going to say, because some old man on “60 Minutes” would make fun of me, so I’m not going to tell you who the winner’s going to be,” Robertson said, in apparent reference to CBS humorist Andy Rooney, who turns 89 on Jan. 14.

You’d think a guy who gets stock tips from the Almighty wouldn’t be afraid of an old fussbudget like Andy Rooney, but hey, who are mortals to ask such questions? Did the creator of the universe let it slip that Mike Huckabee would be replacing Air Force One with Double-Wide One? Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. He’s God, he doesn’t have to explain anything to you.   


3 Responses to “Rev. Criswell Speaks!”

  1. Caveat Says:

    I predicted I’d win the lottery last week but I didn’t. I guess I mixed up the date that my invisble friend provided because let’s face it, that was Job One on the omniscient’s agenda. Oh well, isn’t it great that I was wrong? Next week all my orchids will bud, got it from the horse’s mouth.

    Seriously, do these guys have any friends? Somebody should tell them that they are afflicted with a malignant ideation syndrome.

  2. Billy Says:

    So how is this guy different from a Tarot-card reader? Other than the fact that even a Tarot-card reader occasionally gets something right, I mean.

  3. Chucky Says:

    Not only that, Pat Robertson wants to take over his hometown newspaper.

    It’ll be hard for a Robertson-owned daily to have any credibility. This is a man who publicly demanded that the U.S. assassinate a foreign head of state he didn’t like.

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