Attention, Jersey Drivers!

August 11, 2008

Attention, Jersey drivers! It rained this morning, and that means roads will be wet and slippery. Please open your Dumbass Driver handbooks, turn to the section marked “Inclement Weather,” and check off the following items.

When driving during or just after periods of rain, be sure to:  

1. Avoid using turn signals.

2. Avoid turning on your headlights.

3. Make abrupt lane changes in areas where the traffic is particularly heavy. Swerving across several lanes of oncoming cars during periods of poor visibility is particularly recommended.

4. When making turns on local roads, be sure to come to a complete halt before using your turn signal.

5. When entering driveways along busy local roads, proceed very slowly, as though you are trying to scale a mountain instead of a driveway apron. Make sure several cars stack up behind you, particularly if there is a blind curve or dodgy intersection nearby.

6. If you are driving a tractor trailer at a New Jersey Turnpike interchange, choose the open tollbooth lane that is the farthest from the ramp you plan to use. That way you and your trailer can sweep across a dozen lanes of traffic like an executioner’s axe, forcing other drivers to stop suddenly and possibly rear-end each other. If you are driving a tandem trailer, be sure to perform this maneuver without signaling.

Should the weather clear up, of course, you should immediately switch back to your normal daily dumbassery.


8 Responses to “Attention, Jersey Drivers!”

  1. Bill Bowman Says:

    Rough commute this morning, eh?

  2. billg Says:

    It’s not just New Jersey. I’m in North Carolina and that list applies here, too.

    I would add one more:

    “7. When driving on rural roads and your come up behind a bicyclist, immediately swerve completely into the opposite lane to pass, even if on a curve or a hill, and even if you see a double yellow line. Opposing traffic will vanish as if by magic.”

  3. CParis Says:

    I find it’s especially effective to increase your speed at least 5 mph for in order to get through the precipitation faster. NJ recommends the following formula:

    Light rain +5 mph
    Heavy rain +10 mph
    Hail +15 mph
    Blizzard +20 mph
    Biblical flood +25 mph

  4. Caveat Says:

    LOL! I’m in Ontario, this one is common.

    8. When waiting to enter traffic from the curb lane, be sure to signal and do a shoulder-check. Time it so that you leap out in front of the last car in the oncoming stream of traffic, cutting him/her off. Drive at least 8 mph under the speed limit after doing this. Weather is irrelevant.

  5. Cautious Man Says:

    And another thing – I HATE driving on the Pulaski Skyway!


  6. Steven Hart Says:

    Quite right, Cautious. I’d rather write about it than drive over it.

    But what’s a Cautious Man doing on the Skyway in the first place?

  7. geoff Says:

    I drove down from Philly to B’more via 295 in terrible storms last night. I had many opportunities to reflect back on this post!

  8. mark Says:

    Caveat’s Ontario problem is one that was typical in Maryland–until Marylanders learned how to use a combination of exit ramps, shoulders, and entrance ramps as express passing lanes.
    The Hoosier habit I remember is folks all drove like they were dragging a gang of plows behind their vehicle. That seemed to necessitate swerving to the opposite side of the road when making a turn (ie, into oncoming traffic in order to make a right turn).
    It seemed to me, when I lived in NJ, that there were just too damn many drivers in the state. All of the slow ones were in front of me, and everybody who wanted to speed was behind me.

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