Attention, Jersey Drivers!
August 11, 2008
Attention, Jersey drivers! It rained this morning, and that means roads will be wet and slippery. Please open your Dumbass Driver handbooks, turn to the section marked “Inclement Weather,” and check off the following items.
When driving during or just after periods of rain, be sure to:
1. Avoid using turn signals.
2. Avoid turning on your headlights.
3. Make abrupt lane changes in areas where the traffic is particularly heavy. Swerving across several lanes of oncoming cars during periods of poor visibility is particularly recommended.
4. When making turns on local roads, be sure to come to a complete halt before using your turn signal.
5. When entering driveways along busy local roads, proceed very slowly, as though you are trying to scale a mountain instead of a driveway apron. Make sure several cars stack up behind you, particularly if there is a blind curve or dodgy intersection nearby.
6. If you are driving a tractor trailer at a New Jersey Turnpike interchange, choose the open tollbooth lane that is the farthest from the ramp you plan to use. That way you and your trailer can sweep across a dozen lanes of traffic like an executioner’s axe, forcing other drivers to stop suddenly and possibly rear-end each other. If you are driving a tandem trailer, be sure to perform this maneuver without signaling.
Should the weather clear up, of course, you should immediately switch back to your normal daily dumbassery.