Sean Hannity’s Prognosis Is Good
November 24, 2008
Medical experts and physicians agreed yesterday that FoxNoise host Sean Hannity will face no danger at the end of the year when he undergoes surgery that will remove a vestigial organ from his rump.
The vestigial organ, nicknamed “Alan Colmes” by FoxNoise executives, has apparently been attached to Hannity’s posterior for the past 12 years, though evidently it caused him no discomfort as he taped his Hannity and Colmes broadcasts for FoxNoise.
Some anglerfishes of the superfamily Ceratiidae employ an unusual mating method. Because individuals are presumably locally rare and encounters doubly so, finding a mate is problematic. When scientists first started capturing ceratioid anglerfish, they noticed that all of the specimens were females. These individuals were a few inches in size and almost all of them had what appeared to be parasites attached to them. It turned out that these “parasites” were the remains of male ceratioids
At birth, male ceratioids are already equipped with extremely well developed olfactory organs that detect scents in the water. When it is mature, the male’s digestive system degenerates, making him incapable of feeding independently, which necessitates his quickly finding a female anglerfish to prevent his death . . . When he finds a female, he bites into her skin, and releases an enzyme that digests the skin of his mouth and her body, fusing the pair down to the blood-vessel level. The male then atrophies into nothing more than a pair of gonads, which releases sperm in response to hormones in the female’s bloodstream indicating egg release. This extreme sexual dimorphism ensures that, when the female is ready to spawn, she has a mate immediately available.
“Because individual liberals have trouble surviving in the bottom-feeder environment of FoxNews, the appendage had to attach itself to Sean Hannity’s rump as a survival mechanism,” one expert explained, adding that — apropos the Wikipedia entry — it would be incorrect to use terminology associating gonads or testosterone with the Alan Colmes appendage.
Physicians have discovered that the Alan Colmes appendage is capable of mild, barely audible sounds approximating speech and even some movement, though the latter is hard to detect unless one is willing to sit and stare for long periods of time.
There are reports that the appendage has spoken of living on in a dish of its very own following the surgery. When asked to comment on the likelihood of this actually happening, physicians looked up at the ceiling and coughed into their fists.