Death by Snark

Clear away the dense layers of snark and the Saturday Night Live wannabe prose and this Salon piece about Dennis Kucinich reveals an elemental truth about Democrats and progressives: on the eve of the 2008 presidential campaign, we are still so mau-maued by conservatives and media whores that we’re going to let a guy who stands up for just about everything we believe — and backs it up with legislative proposals — get run over while the Tim Russert types who control the traffic lights stand by and smirk.

You think Dennis Kucinich is goofy because he believes in flying saucers? I’ve got news for you, pal: a good number of people in Congress and the Bush administration sound like they just stepped off a flying saucer. You think Dennis Kucinich is freaky because he’s pals with Shirley MacLaine? I’m more concerned with the fact that many of our legislators are pals with people who think cavemen rode around on dinosaurs, the invasion of Iraq is a moral crusade and giving huge amounts of money to rich people is the cure for poverty. And those are just the honest ones.

So now that Kucinich has been tagged and consigned to history as the Flying Saucer Guy, let it be noted that before his views on space aliens became known to Tim Russert, his views on rational healthcare, the public good and the need to evict the current pack of crooks and crazies from the White House never seemed to stir Russert’s interest. The Sunday Morning Squawkers can spend time in the company of William Kristol without gagging, and can listen to his views on the glorious success that is Iraq — and the crying need to begin bombing Iran immediately — without ordering up a straitjacket and a double-order of Thorazine, but when Kucinich speaks about impeachment and single-payer healthcare they smile at each other and make little finger-twirl motions by their temples. That Dennis Kucinich, he’s craaaaaayyyyzeee! Not like that guy who thinks God put him in the White House in order to settle the hash of Saddam Hussein and all the other dark-skinned people sitting on top of our oil. Naw, that guy’s a statesman.

By an interesting coincidence, the Salon piece is featured on the same day that Tom Tomorrow has posted one of his typically brilliant cartoons featuring Conservative Jones, Boy Detective. You know the format: Conservative Jones addresses himself to why liberals hate something dear to conservatives, his sidekick Moonbat McWacky states the screamingly obvious, Conservative Jones dismisses it with a know-it-all smile.

Well, in this election we’re all Moonbat McWacky, only this time we’re tagging along behind Conventional Wisdom Jones. He knows there’s no point backing up Kucinich because, doncha know, he’s unelectable. Not like that John Kerry guy — now there was a winner! And he didn’t have a weird hairstyle, either! Yessir, get us another one like him. And if it’s a woman, so much the better.

Hey, you’re not laughing. I’ll be honest — neither am I. Let’s get together to talk about this as soon as Day of Decision 2008 wraps up, and see if we’re in a laughing mood then.